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daughters； aunts； grandmothers of England； this is the
sort of writing which is put in the newspapers for you！
How can you help being the mothers； daughters； &c。 of
Snobs； so long as this balderdash is set before you？
You stuff the little rosy foot of a Chinese young lady of
fashion into a slipper that is about the size of a salt…
cruet； and keep the poor little toes there imprisoned and
twisted up so long that the dwarfishness becomes
irremediable。 Later； the foot would not expand to the
natural size were you to give her a washing…tub for a
shoe and for all her life she has little feet； and is a
cripple。 Oh； my dear Miss Wiggins； thank your stars that
those beautiful feet of yoursthough I declare when you
walk they are so small as to be almost invisiblethank
your stars that society never so practised upon them； but
look around and see how many friends of ours in the
highest circles have had their BRAINS so prematurely and
hopelessly pinched and distorted。
How can you expect that those poor creatures are to move
naturally when the world and their parents have mutilated
them so cruelly？ As long as a COURT CIRCULAR exists； how
the deuce are people whose names are chronicled in it
ever to believe themselves the equals of the cringing
race which daily reads that abominable trash？ I believe
that ours is the only country in the world now where the
COURT CIRCULAR remains in full flourishwhere you read；
'This day his Royal Highness Prince Pattypan was taken an
airing in his go…cart。' 'The Princess Pimminy was taken
a drive； attended by her ladies of honour； and
accompanied by her doll；' &c。 We laugh at the solemnity
with which Saint Simon announces that SA MAJESTE SE
MEDICAMENTE AUJOURD'HUI。 Under our very noses the same
folly is daily going on。 〃That wonderful and mysterious
man； the author of the COURT CIRCULAR； drops in with his
budget at the newspaper offices every night。 I once
asked the editor of a paper to allow me to lie in wait
and see him。
I am told that in a kingdom where there is a German King…
Consort （Portugal it must be； for the Queen of that
country married a German Prince； who is greatly admired
and respected by the natives）； whenever the Consort takes
the diversion of shooting among the rabbit…warrens of
Cintra； or the pheasant…preserve of Mafra； he has a
keeper to load his guns； as a matter of course； and then
they are handed to the nobleman； his equerry； and the
nobleman hands them to the Prince who blazes awaygives
back the discharged gun to the nobleman； who gives it to
the keeper； and so on。 But the Prince WON'T TAKE THE GUN
FROM THE HANDS OF THE LOADER。
As long as this unnatural and monstrous etiquette
continues； Snobs there must be。 The three persons
engaged in this transaction are； for the time being；
Snobs。
1。 The keeperthe least Snob of all； because he is
discharging his daily duty； but he appears here as a
Snob； that is to say； in a position of debasement；before
another human being （the Prince）； with whom he is allowed
to cemmunicate through another party。 A free Portuguese
gamekeeper； who professes himself to be unworthy to
communicate directly with any person； confesses himself
to be a Snob。
2。 The nobleman in waiting is a Snob。 If it degrades
the Prince to receive the gun from the gamekeeper； it is
degrading to the nobleman in waiting to execute that
service。 He acts as a Snob towards the keeper； whom he
keeps from communication with the Princea Snob to the
Prince； to whom he pays a degrading homage。
3。 The King…Consort of Portugal is a Snob for insulting
fellow…men in this way。 There's no harm in his accepting
the services of the keeper directly； but indirectly he
insults the service performed； and the servants who
perform it； and therefore； I say； respectfully； is a most
undoubted； though royal Snob。
And then you read in the DIARIO DO GOBERNO'Yesterday
his Majesty the King took the diversion of shooting the
woods off Cintra； attended by Colonel the honourable
Whiskerando Sombrero。 His Majesty returned to the
Necessidades to lunch； at；' &c。 &c。。
Oh！ that COURT CIRCULAR！ once more； I exclaim。
Down with the COURT CIRCULARthat engine and propagator
of Snobbishness！ I promise to subscribe for a year to
any daily paper that shall come out without a COURT
CIRCULARwere it the MORNING HERALD itself。 When I read
that trash； I rise in my wrath； I feel myself disloyal； a
regicide； a member of the Calf's Head Club。 The only
COURT CIRCULAR story which ever pleased me； was that of
the King of Spain； who in great part was roasted； because
there was not time for the Prime Minister to command the
Lord Chamberlain to desire the Grand Gold Stick to order
the first page in waiting to bid the chief of the
flunkeys to request the House…maid of Honour to bring up
a pail of water to put his Majesty out。
I am like the Pasha of three tails； to whom the Sultan
sends HIS COURT CIRCULAR； the bowstring。
It CHOKES me。 May its usage be abolished for ever。
CHAPTER V
WHAT SNOBS ADMIRE
Now let us consider how difficult it is even for great
men to escape from being Snobs。 It is very well for the
reader； whose fine feelings are disgusted by the
assertion that Kings； Princes； Lords； are Snobs； to say
'You are confessedly a Snob yourself。 In professing to
depict Snobs； it is only your own ugly mug which you are
copying with a Narcissus…like conceit and fatuity。' But
I shall pardon this explosion of ill…temper on the part
of my constant reader； reflecting upon the misfortune of
his birth and country。 It is impossible for ANY Briton；
perhaps； not to be a Snob in some degree。 If people can
be convinced of this fact； an immense point is gained；
surely。 If I have pointed out the disease； let us hope
that other scientific characters may discover the remedy。
If you； who are a person of the middle ranks of life； are
a Snob；you whom nobody flatters particularly； you who
have no toadies； you whom no cringing flunkeys or shopmen
bow out of doors； you whom the policeman tells to move
on； you who are jostled in the crowd of this world； and
amongst the Snobs our brethren： consider how much harder
it is for a man to escape who has not your advantages；
and is all his life long subject to adulation； the butt
of meanness； consider how difficult it is for the Snobs'
idol not to be a Snob。
As I was discoursing with my friend Eugenio in this
impressive way； Lord Buckram passed us； the son of the
Marquis of Bagwig； and knocked at the door of the family
mansion in Red Lion Square。 His noble father and mother
occupied； as everybody knows； distinguished posts in the
Courts of late Sovereigns。 The Marquis was Lord of the
Pantry； and her Ladyship； Lady of the Powder Closet to
Queen Charlotte。 Buck （as I call him； for we are very
familiar） gave me a nod as he passed； and I proceeded