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assault committed by us on the previous afternoon upon the person of their
client； Miss Matilda Hemmings。 The letter stated that we had punched
Miss Hemmings in the side； struck her under the chin； and afterward；
seizing her as she was leaving the room； proceeded to commit a gross
assault； into the particulars of which it was needless for them to enter at
greater length。
It added that if we were prepared to render an ample written apology
and to pay 50 pounds compensation； they would advise their client； Miss
Matilda Hemmings； to allow the matter to drop； otherwise criminal
proceedings would at once be commenced against us。
We took the letter to our own solicitors and explained the
circumstances to them。 They said it seemed to be a very sad case； but
advised us to pay the 50 pounds； and we borrowed the money and did so。
Since then we have lost faith； somehow； in the British drama as a
guide to the conduct of life。
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THE CHILD。
It is nice and quiet and it talks prettily。
We have come across real infants now and then in the course of visits
to married friends； they have been brought to us from outlying parts of the
house and introduced to us for our edification； and we have found them
gritty and sticky。 Their boots have usually been muddy； and they have
wiped them up against our new trousers。 And their hair has suggested the
idea that they have been standing on their heads in the dust…bin。
And they have talked to usbut not prettily； not at allrather rude we
should call it。
But the stage child is very different。 It is clean and tidy。 You can
touch it anywhere and nothing comes off。 Its face glows with soap and
water。 From the appearance of its hands it is evident that mud…pies and
tar are joys unknown to it。 As for its hair； there is something uncanny
about its smoothness and respectability。 Even its boot…laces are done up。
We have never seen anything like the stage child outside a theater
excepting onethat was on the pavement in front of a tailor's shop in
Tottenham Court Road。 He stood on a bit of round wood； and it was
fifteen and nine； his style。
We thought in our ignorance prior to this that there could not be
anything in the world like the stage child； but you see we were mistaken。
The stage child is affectionate to its parents and its nurse and is
respectful in its demeanor toward those whom Providence has placed in
authority over it； and so far it is certainly much to be preferred to the real
article。 It speaks of its male and female progenitors as 〃dear； dear papa〃
and 〃dear； dear mamma；〃 and it refers to its nurse as 〃darling nursey。〃
We are connected with a youthful child ourselvesa real onea nephew。
He alludes to his father （when his father is not present） as 〃the old man；〃
and always calls the nurse 〃old nut…crackers。〃 Why cannot they make
real children who say 〃dear； dear mamma〃 and 〃dear； dear papa？〃
The stage child is much superior to the live infant in every way。 The
stage child does not go rampaging about a house and screeching and
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STAGE…LAND。
yelling till nobody knows whether they are on their heads or their heels。
A stage child does not get up at five o'clock in the morning to practice
playing on a penny whistle。 A stage child never wants a bicycle and
drives you mad about it。 A stage child does not ask twenty complicated
questions a minute about things that you don't understand； and then wind
up by asking why you don't seem to know anything； and why wouldn't
anybody teach you anything when you were a little boy。
The stage child does not wear a hole in the seat of its knickerbockers
and have to have a patch let in。 The stage child comes downstairs on its
feet。
The stage child never brings home six other children to play at horses
in the front garden； and then wants to know if they can all come in to tea。
The stage child never has the wooping…cough； and the measles； and every
other disease that it can lay its hands on； and be laid up with them one
after the other and turn the house upside down。
The stage child's department in the scheme of life is to harrow up its
mother's feelings by ill…timed and uncalled…for questions about its father。
It always wants to know； before a roomful of people； where 〃dear papa〃 is；
and why he has left dear mamma； when； as all the guests know； the poor
man is doing his two years' hard or waiting to be hanged。 It makes
everybody so uncomfortable。
It is always harrowing up somebodythe stage child； it really ought
not to be left about as it is。 When it has done upsetting its mother it
fishes out some broken…hearted maid； who has just been cruelly severed
forever from her lover； and asks her in a high falsetto voice why she
doesn't get married； and prattles to her about love； and domestic bliss； and
young men； and any other subject it can think of particularly calculated to
lacerate the poor girl's heart until her brain nearly gives way。
After that it runs amuck up and down the whole play and makes
everybody sit up all round。 It asks eminently respectable old maids if
they wouldn't like to have a baby； and it wants to know why bald…headed
old men have left off wearing hair； and why other old gentlemen have red
noses and if they were always that color。
In some plays it so happens that the less said about the origin and
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STAGE…LAND。
source of the stage child the better； and in such cases nothing will appear
so important to that contrary brat as to know； in the middle of an evening…
party； who its father was！
Everybody loves the stage child。 They catch it up in their bosoms
every other minute and weep over it。 They take it in turns to do this。
Nobodyon the stage； we meanever has enough of the stage