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pigeons broiled； 〃whereas；〃 said he； 〃our religion commands us to eat
them roasted。 Now therefore； O King；〃 continued this respectable divine；
〃give command to thy men of war； and let them smite the disobedient
people with the sword； them； and their wives； and their children； and let
their houses； and their flocks； and their herds； be given to thy servants the
priests。 Then shall the land yield its increase； and the fruits of the earth
shall be no more blasted by the vengeance of Heaven。〃
〃Nay；〃 said the king； 〃the ground lies under no general curse from
Heaven。 The season has been singularly good。 The wine which thou
didst thyself drink at the banquet a few nights ago； O venerable
Merolchazzar； was of this year's vintage。 Dost thou not remember how
thou didst praise it？ It was the same night that thou wast inspired by
Belus and didst reel to and fro； and discourse sacred mysteries。 These
things are too hard for me。 I comprehend them not。 The only wine
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THE MISCELLANEOUS WRITINGS AND SPEECHES OF LORD MACAULAY
which is bad is that which is sent to my judges。 Who can expound this to
us？〃
The king scratched his head。 Upon which all the courtiers scratched
their heads。
He then ordered proclamation to be made that a purple robe and a
golden chain should be given to the man who could solve this difficulty。
An old philosopher； who had been observed to smile rather
disdainfully when the prize had first been instituted； came forward and
spoke thus：
〃Gomer Chephoraod； live for ever！ Marvel not at that which has
happened。 It was no miracle； but a natural event。 How could it be
otherwise？ It is true that much good wine has been made this year。 But
who would send it in for thy rewards？ Thou knowest Ascobaruch who
hath the great vineyards in the north； and Cohahiroth who sendeth wine
every year from the south over the Persian Golf。 Their wines are so
delicious that ten measures thereof are sold for an hundred talents of silver。
Thinkest thou that they will exchange them for thy slaves and thine asses？
What would thy prize profit any who have vineyards in rich soils？〃
〃Who then；〃 said one of the judges； 〃are the wretches who sent us this
poison？〃
〃Blame them not；〃 said the sage； 〃seeing that you have been the
authors of the evil。 They are men whose lands are poor； and have never
yielded them any returns equal to the prizes which the king proposed。
Wherefore； knowing that the lords of the fruitful vineyards would not
enter into competition with them they planted vines； some on rocks； and
some in light sandy soil； and some in deep clay。 Hence their wines are
bad。 For no culture or reward will make barren land bear good vines。
Know therefore； assuredly； that your prizes have increased the quantity of
bad but not of good wine。〃
There was a long silence。 At length the king spoke。 〃Give him the
purple robe and the chain of gold。 Throw the wines into the Euphrates；
and proclaim that the Royal Society of Wines is dissolved。〃
。。。
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THE MISCELLANEOUS WRITINGS AND SPEECHES OF LORD MACAULAY
SCENES FROM 〃ATHENIAN
REVELS。〃
（January 1824）
A DRAMA
I。
SCENEA Street in Athens。
Enter CALLIDEMUS and SPEUSIPPUS；
CALLIDEMUS。 So； you young reprobate！ You must be a man of wit；
forsooth； and a man of quality！ You must spend as if you were as rich as
Nicias； and prate as if you were as wise as Pericles！ You must dangle
after sophists and pretty women！ And I must pay for all！ I must sup on
thyme and onions； while you are swallowing thrushes and hares！ I must
drink water； that you may play the cottabus （This game consisted in
projecting wine out of cups； it was a diversion extremely fashionable at
Athenian entertainments。） with Chian wine！ I must wander about as
ragged as Pauson （Pauson was an Athenian painter； whose name was
synonymous with beggary。 See Aristophanes； Plutus； 602。 From his
poverty； I am inclined to suppose that he painted historical pictures。）； that
you may be as fine as Alcibiades！ I must lie on bare boards； with a stone
（See Aristophanes； Plutus； 542。） for my pillow； and a rotten mat for my
coverlid； by the light of a wretched winking lamp； while you are marching
in state； with as many torches as one sees at the feast of Ceres； to thunder
with your hatchet （See Theocritus； Idyll ii。 128。） at the doors of half the
Ionian ladies in Peiraeus。 （This was the most disreputable part of Athens。
See Aristophanes： Pax； 165。）
SPEUSIPPUS。 Why； thou unreasonable old man！ Thou most
shameless of fathers！… …
CALLIDEMUS。 Ungrateful wretch； dare you talk so？ Are you not
afraid of the thunders of Jupiter？
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THE MISCELLANEOUS WRITINGS AND SPEECHES OF LORD MACAULAY
SPEUSIPPUS。 Jupiter thunder！ nonsense！ Anaxagoras says； that
thunder is only an explosion produced by
CALLIDEMUS。 He does！ Would that it had fallen on his head for
his pains！
SPEUSIPPUS。 Nay： talk rationally。
CALLIDEMUS。 Rationally！ You audacious young sophist！ I will
talk rationally。 Do you know that I am your father？ What quibble can
you make upon that？
SPEUSIPPUS。 Do I know that you are my father？ Let us take the
question to pieces； as Melesigenes would say。 First； then； we must
inquire what is knowledge？ Secondly； what is a father？ Now；
knowledge； as Socrates said the other day to Theaetetus （See Plato's
Theaetetus。）
CALLIDEMUS。 Socrates！ what！ the ragged flat…nosed old dotard； who
walks about all day barefoot； and filches cloaks； and dis