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doors and windows securely fastened on the inside）； dead； and on his
breast was pinned a paper in his own handwriting begging his friends to
suspect no innocent person of having any thing to do with his death； for
that it was the work of his own hands entirely。 Yet the jury brought in
the astounding verdict that deceased came to his death 〃by the hands of
some person or persons unknown！〃 They explained that the perfectly
undeviating consistency of Markiss's character for thirty years towered
aloft as colossal and indestructible testimony； that whatever statement
he chose to make was entitled to instant and unquestioning acceptance as
a lie。 And they furthermore stated their belief that he was not dead；
and instanced the strong circumstantial evidence of his own word that he
was deadand beseeched the coroner to delay the funeral as long as
possible； which was done。 And so in the tropical climate of Lahaina the
coffin stood open for seven days； and then even the loyal jury gave him
up。 But they sat on him again； and changed their verdict to 〃suicide
induced by mental aberration〃because； said they； with penetration； 〃he
said he was dead； and he was dead； and would he have told the truth if he
had been in his right mind？ No； sir。〃
CHAPTER LXXVIII。
After half a year's luxurious vagrancy in the islands； I took shipping in
a sailing vessel； and regretfully returned to San Franciscoa voyage in
every way delightful； but without an incident： unless lying two long
weeks in a dead calm； eighteen hundred miles from the nearest land； may
rank as an incident。 Schools of whales grew so tame that day after day
they played about the ship among the porpoises and the sharks without the
least apparent fear of us； and we pelted them with empty bottles for lack
of better sport。 Twenty…four hours afterward these bottles would be
still lying on the glassy water under our noses； showing that the ship
had not moved out of her place in all that time。 The calm was absolutely
breathless； and the surface of the sea absolutely without a wrinkle。
For a whole day and part of a night we lay so close to another ship that
had drifted to our vicinity； that we carried on conversations with her
passengers； introduced each other by name； and became pretty intimately
acquainted with people we had never heard of before； and have never heard
of since。 This was the only vessel we saw during the whole lonely
voyage。 We had fifteen passengers； and to show how hard pressed they
were at last for occupation and amusement； I will mention that the
gentlemen gave a good part of their time every day； during the calm； to
trying to sit on an empty champagne bottle （lying on its side）； and
thread a needle without touching their heels to the deck； or falling
over； and the ladies sat in the shade of the mainsail； and watched the
enterprise with absorbing interest。 We were at sea five Sundays； and
yet； but for the almanac； we never would have known but that all the
other days were Sundays too。
I was home again； in San Francisco； without means and without employment。
I tortured my brain for a saving scheme of some kind； and at last a
public lecture occurred to me！ I sat down and wrote one； in a fever of
hopeful anticipation。 I showed it to several friends； but they all shook
their heads。 They said nobody would come to hear me； and I would make a
humiliating failure of it。
They said that as I had never spoken in public； I would break down in the
delivery； anyhow。 I was disconsolate now。 But at last an editor slapped
me on the back and told me to 〃go ahead。〃 He said； 〃Take the largest
house in town； and charge a dollar a ticket。〃 The audacity of the
proposition was charming； it seemed fraught with practical worldly
wisdom； however。 The proprietor of the several theatres endorsed the
advice； and said I might have his handsome new opera…house at half price
fifty dollars。 In sheer desperation I took iton credit； for
sufficient reasons。 In three days I did a hundred and fifty dollars'
worth of printing and advertising； and was the most distressed and
frightened creature on the Pacific coast。 I could not sleepwho could；
under such circumstances？ For other people there was facetiousness in
the last line of my posters； but to me it was plaintive with a pang when
I wrote it：
〃Doors open at 7 1/2。 The trouble will begin at 8。〃
That line has done good service since。 Showmen have borrowed it
frequently。 I have even seen it appended to a newspaper advertisement
reminding school pupils in vacation what time next term would begin。 As
those three days of suspense dragged by； I grew more and more unhappy。
I had sold two hundred tickets among my personal friends； but I feared
they might not come。 My lecture； which had seemed 〃humorous〃 to me； at
first； grew steadily more and more dreary； till not a vestige of fun
seemed left； and I grieved that I could not bring a coffin on the stage
and turn the thing into a funeral。 I was so panic…stricken； at last；
that I went to three old friends； giants in stature； cordial by nature；
and stormy…voiced； and said：
〃This thing is going to be a failure； the jokes in it are so dim that
nobody will ever see them； I would like to have you sit in the parquette；
and help me through。〃
They said they would。 Then I went to the wife of a popular citizen； and
said that if she was willing to do me a very great kindness； I would be
glad if she and her husband would sit prominently in the left…hand stage…
box； where the whole house could see them。 I explained that I should
need help； and would turn toward her and smile； as a signal； when I had
been delivered of an obscure joke〃and then；〃 I added； 〃don't wait to
investigate； but respond！〃
She promised。 Down the street I met a man I never had seen before。 He
had been drinking； and was beaming with smiles and good nature。 He said：
〃My name's Sawyer。 You don't know me； but that don't matter。 I haven't
got a cent； but if you knew how bad I wanted to laugh； you'd give me a
ticket。 Come； now； what do you say？〃
〃Is your laugh hung on a hair…trigger？that is； is it critical； or can
you get it off easy？〃
My drawling infirmity of speech so affected him that he laughed a
specimen or two that struck me as being about the article I wanted； and I
gave him a ticket； and appointed him to sit in the second circle； in the
centre； and be responsible for that division of the house。 I gave him
minute instructions about how to detect indistinct jokes； and then went
away； and left him chuckling placidly over the novelty of the idea。
I ate nothing on the last of the three eventful daysI only suffered。
I had advertised that on this third day the box…office would be opened
for the sale of reserved seats。 I crept down to the theater at four in
the afternoon to see if any sales had been made。 The ticket seller was
gone； the box…office was locked up。 I had to swallow suddenly； or my
heart would have got out。 〃No sales；〃 I said to myself； 〃I might have
known it。〃 I thought of suicide； pretended illness； flight。 I thought
of these things in earnest； for I was very miserable and s