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known it。〃 I thought of suicide； pretended illness； flight。 I thought
of these things in earnest； for I was very miserable and scared。 But of
course I had to drive them away； and prepare to meet my fate。 I could
not wait for half…past sevenI wanted to face the horror； and end it
the feeling of many a man doomed to hang； no doubt。 I went down back
streets at six o'clock； and entered the theatre by the back door。
I stumbled my way in the dark among the ranks of canvas scenery； and
stood on the stage。 The house was gloomy and silent； and its emptiness
depressing。 I went into the dark among the scenes again； and for an hour
and a half gave myself up to the horrors； wholly unconscious of
everything else。 Then I heard a murmur； it rose higher and higher； and
ended in a crash； mingled with cheers。 It made my hair raise； it was so
close to me； and so loud。
There was a pause； and then another； presently came a third； and before I
well knew what I was about； I was in the middle of the stage； staring at
a sea of faces； bewildered by the fierce glare of the lights； and quaking
in every limb with a terror that seemed like to take my life away。 The
house was full； aisles and all！
The tummult in my heart and brain and legs continued a full minute before
I could gain any command over myself。 Then I recognized the charity and
the friendliness in the faces before me； and little by little my fright
melted away； and I began to talk Within three or four minutes I was
comfortable； and even content。 My three chief allies； with three
auxiliaries； were on hand； in the parquette； all sitting together； all
armed with bludgeons； and all ready to make an onslaught upon the
feeblest joke that might show its head。 And whenever a joke did fall；
their bludgeons came down and their faces seemed to split from ear to
ear。
Sawyer； whose hearty countenance was seen looming redly in the centre of
the second circle； took it up； and the house was carried handsomely。
Inferior jokes never fared so royally before。 Presently I delivered a
bit of serious matter with impressive unction （it was my pet）； and the
audience listened with an absorbed hush that gratified me more than any
applause； and as I dropped the last word of the clause； I happened to
turn and catch Mrs。's intent and waiting eye； my conversation with her
flashed upon me； and in spite of all I could do I smiled。 She took it
for the signal； and promptly delivered a mellow laugh that touched off
the whole audience； and the explosion that followed was the triumph of
the evening。 I thought that that honest man Sawyer would choke himself；
and as for the bludgeons； they performed like pile…drivers。 But my poor
little morsel of pathos was ruined。 It was taken in good faith as an
intentional joke； and the prize one of the entertainment； and I wisely
let it go at that。
All the papers were kind in the morning； my appetite returned； I had a
abundance of money。 All's well that ends well。
CHAPTER LXXIX。
I launched out as a lecturer； now； with great boldness。 I had the field
all to myself； for public lectures were almost an unknown commodity in
the Pacific market。 They are not so rare； now； I suppose。 I took an old
personal friend along to play agent for me； and for two or three weeks we
roamed through Nevada and California and had a very cheerful time of it。
Two days before I lectured in Virginia City； two stagecoaches were robbed
within two miles of the town。 The daring act was committed just at dawn；
by six masked men； who sprang up alongside the coaches； presented
revolvers at the heads of the drivers and passengers； and commanded a
general dismount。 Everybody climbed down； and the robbers took their
watches and every cent they had。 Then they took gunpowder and blew up
the express specie boxes and got their contents。 The leader of the
robbers was a small； quick…spoken man； and the fame of his vigorous
manner and his intrepidity was in everybody's mouth when we arrived。
The night after instructing Virginia； I walked over the desolate 〃divide〃
and down to Gold Hill； and lectured there。 The lecture done； I stopped
to talk with a friend； and did not start back till eleven。 The 〃divide〃
was high； unoccupied ground； between the towns； the scene of twenty
midnight murders and a hundred robberies。 As we climbed up and stepped
out on this eminence； the Gold Hill lights dropped out of sight at our
backs； and the night closed down gloomy and dismal。 A sharp wind swept
the place； too； and chilled our perspiring bodies through。
〃I tell you I don't like this place at night；〃 said Mike the agent。
〃Well； don't speak so loud；〃 I said。 〃You needn't remind anybody that we
are here。〃
Just then a dim figure approached me from the direction of Virginiaa
man； evidently。 He came straight at me； and I stepped aside to let him
pass； he stepped in the way and confronted me again。 Then I saw that he
had a mask on and was holding something in my faceI heard a click…click
and recognized a revolver in dim outline。 I pushed the barrel aside with
my hand and said：
〃Don't！〃
He ejaculated sharply：
〃Your watch！ Your money！〃
I said：
〃You can have them with pleasurebut take the pistol away from my face；
please。 It makes me shiver。〃
〃No remarks！ Hand out your money！〃
〃CertainlyI〃
〃Put up your hands！ Don't you go for a weapon！ Put 'em up！ Higher！〃
I held them above my head。
A pause。 Then：
〃Are you going to hand out your money or not？〃
I dropped my hands to my pockets and said：
Certainly！ I〃
〃Put up your hands ！ Do you want your head blown off？ Higher！〃
I put them above my head again。
Another pause。
Are you going to hand out your money or not？ Ah…ahagain？ Put up your
hands！ By George； you want the head shot off you awful bad！〃
〃Well； friend； I'm trying my best to please you。 You tell me to give up
my money； and when I reach for it you tell me to put up my hands。 If you
would only。 Oh； nowdon't！ All six of you at me！ That other man
will get away while。Now please take some of those revolvers out of my
facedo； if you please！ Every time one of them clicks； my liver comes
up into my throat！ If you have a motherany of youor if any of you
have ever had a motheror agrandmotheror a〃
〃Cheese it！ Will you give up your money； or have we got to。 There
therenone of that！ Put up your hands！〃
〃GentlemenI know you are gentlemen by your〃
〃Silence！ If you want to be facetious； young man； there are times and
places more fitting。 This is a serious business。〃
〃You prick the marrow of my opinion。 The funerals I have attended in my
time were comedies compared to it。 Now I think〃
〃Curse your palaver！ Your money！your money！your money！ Hold！put
up your hands！〃
〃Gentlemen； listen to reason。 You see how I am situatednow don't put
those pistols so closeI smell the powder。
You see how I am situated。 If I had four handsso that I could hold up
two and〃
〃Throttle him！ Gag him！ Kill him！〃
〃Gentlemen； don't！ Nobody's watching the other fellow。 Why don't some
of you。 Ouch！ Take it away； please！
Gentlemen； you see that I've got to ho