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laymanand what I learned filled me with an abiding admiration for it；
both as a science and as a business。 This surely is one profession which
ever keeps its face to the front。 Burying its past mistakes and forgetting
them as speedily as possible； it pushes straight forward into fresh fields
and fresh patients； always hopeful of what the future may bring in the way
of newly discovered and highly expensive ailments。 As we look
backward upon the centuries we are astonished by its advancement。 I did
a good deal of looking backwards upon the centuries during my sojourn at
St。 Germicide's。
Take the Middle Ages nowthe period when a barber and a surgeon
were one and the same。 If a man made a failure as a barber he turned his
talents to surgery。 Surgeons in those times were a husky breed。 I judge
they worked by the day instead of by piecework； anyhow the records show
they were very fond of experiments where somebody else furnished the
raw material。
When there came a resounding knock at the tradesman's entrance of
the moated grange； the lord of the manor； looking over the portcullis and
seeing a lusty wight standing down below； in a leather apron； with his
sleeves rolled up and a kit of soldering tools under his arm； didn't know
until he made inquiry whether the gentle stranger had come to mend the
drain or remove the cook's leg。
A little later along； when gunpowder had come into general use as a
humanizing factor of civilization； surgeons treated a gunshot wound by
pouring boiling lard into it； which I would say was calculated to take the
victim's mind off his wound and give him something else to think about
for the time being； anyhow。 I assume the notion of applying a mustard
plaster outside one's stomach when one has a pain inside one's stomach is
based on the same principle。
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However； one doesn't have to go clear back to medieval times to note
the radical differences in the plan of treating human ailments。 A great
many persons who are still living can remember when the doctors were
not nearly so numerous as they are now。 I； for one； would be the last to
reverse the sentence and say that because the doctors were not nearly so
numerous then as they are now； those persons are still living so
numerously。
In the spring of the year； when the sap flowed and the birds mated； the
sturdy farmer felt that he was due to have something the matter with him；
too。 So he would ride into the country…seat and get an almanac。
Doubtless the reader； if country raised； has seen copies of this popular
work。 On the outside cover； which was dark blue in color； there was a
picture of a person whose stomach was sliced four ways； like a twenty…
cent pie； and then folded back neatly； thus exposing his entire interior
arrangements to the gaze of the casual observer。 However； this party；
judging by his picture； did not appear to be suffering。 He did not even
seem to fear that he might catch cold from standing there in his own
draught。 He was gazing off into space in an absent…minded kind of way；
apparently not aware that anything was wrong with him； and on all sides
he was surrounded by interesting exhibits； such as a crab； and a scorpion；
and a goat； and a chap with a bow and arrowand one thing and another。
Such was the main design of the cover； while the contents were made
up of recognized and standard varieties in the line of jokes and the line of
diseases which alternated； with first a favorite joke and then a favorite
disease。 The author who wrote the descriptions of the diseases was one
of the most convincing writers that ever lived anywhere。 As a realist he
had no superiors among those using our language as a vehicle for the
expression of thought。 He was a wonder。 If a person wasn't particular
about what ailed him he could read any page at random and have one
specific disease。 Or he could read the whole book through and have them
all； in their most advanced stages。 Then the only thing that could save
him was a large dollar bottle。
Again； in attacks of the breakbone ague or malaria it was customary to
call in a local practitioner； generally an elderly lady of the neighborhood
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Speaking of Operations
who had none of these latter…day prejudices regarding the use of tobacco
by the gentler sex。 One whom I distantly recall； among childhood's
happy memories； carried this liberal…mindedness to a point where she not
only dipped snuff and smoked a cob pipe； but sometimes chewed a little
natural leaf。 This lady； on being called in； would brew up a large caldron
of medicinal roots and barks and sprouts and things； and then she would
deluge the interior of the sufferer with a large gourdful of this pleasing
mixture at regular intervals。 It was efficacious； too。 The inundated
person either got well or else he drowned from the inside。 Rocking the
patient was almost as dangerous a pastime as rocking the boat。 This also
helps to explain； I think； why so many of our forebears had floating
kidneys。 There was nothing else for a kidney to do。
By the time I attained to long trousers； people in our town mainly had
outgrown the unlicensed expert and were depending more and more upon
the old…fashioned family doctorthe one with the whisker…junglewho
drove about in a gig； accompanied by a haunting aroma of iodoform and
carrying his calomel with him in bulk。
He probably owned a secret calomel mine of his own。 He must have；
otherwise he could never have afforded to be so generous with it。 He also
had other medicines with him； all of them being selected on the principle
that unless a drug tasted like the very dickens it couldn't possibly do you
any good。 At all hours of the day and night he was to be seen going to
and fro； distributing nuggets from his private lode。 He went to bed with
his trousers and his hat on； I think； and there was a general belief that his
old ma