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〃I know。〃 I drew in deep gasps of air； trying to clear my head and my lungs。
〃Is it as bad as that？〃 he asked； trying not to think of the scent and the flavor of
his memory as he asked； and not quite succeeding。
〃Worse； Emmett； worse。〃
He was quiet for a moment。
Maybe？
〃No； it would not be better if I got it over with。 Go back to class； Emmett。 I want
to be alone。〃
He turned without another word or thought and walked quickly away。 He would
tell the Spanish teacher that I was sick； or ditching； or a dangerously out of control
vampire。 Did his excuse really matter？ Maybe I wasn't coming back。 Maybe I had to
leave。
I went to my car again； to wait for school to end。 To hide。 Again。
I should have spent the time making decisions or trying to bolster my resolve； but；
like an addict； I found myself searching through the babble of thoughts emanating from
the school buildings。 The familiar voices stood out； but I wasn't interested in listening to
Alice's visions or Rosalie's complaints right now。 I found Jessica easily； but the girl was
not with her； so I continued searching。 Mike Newton's thoughts caught my attention； and
I located her at last； in gym with him。 He was unhappy； because I'd spoken to her today
in biology。 He was running over her response when he'd brought the subject up？
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I've never seen him actually talk to anyone for more than a word here or there。
Of course he would decide to find Bella interesting。 I don't like the way he looks at her。
But she didn't seem too excited about him。 What did she say？ 'Wonder what was with
him last Monday。' Something like that。 Didn't sound like she cared。 It couldn't have
been much of a conversation？
He talked himself out of his pessimism in that way； cheered by the idea that Bella
had not been interested in her exchange with me。 This annoyed me quite a bit more than
was acceptable； so I stopped listening to him。
I put a CD of violent music into the stereo； and then turned it up until it drowned
out other voices。 I had to concentrate on the music very hard to keep myself from
drifting back to Mike Newton's thoughts； to spy on the unsuspecting girl？
I cheated a few times； as the hour drew to a close。 Not spying； I tried to convince
myself。 I was just preparing。 I wanted to know exactly when she would leave the gym；
when she would be in the parking lot。 I didn't want her to take me by surprise。
As the students started to file out of the gym doors； I got out of my car； not sure
why I did it。 The rain was light—I ignored it as it slowly saturated my hair。
Did I want her to see me here？ Did I hope she would come to speak to me？ What
was I doing？
I didn't move； though I tried to convince myself to get back in the car； knowing
my behavior was reprehensible。 I kept my arms folded across my chest and breathed
very shallowly as I watched her walk slowly toward me； her mouth turning down at the
corners。 She didn't look at me。 A few times she glanced up at the clouds with a grimace；
as if they offended her。
I was disappointed when she reached her car before she had to pass me。 Would
she have spoken to me？ Would I have spoken to her？
She got into a faded red Chevy truck； a rusted behemoth that was older than her
father。 I watched her start the truck—the old engine roared louder than any other vehicle
in the lot—and then hold her hands out toward the heating vents。 The cold was
uncomfortable to her—she didn't like it。 She combed her fingers through her thick hair；
pulling locks through the stream of hot air like she was trying to dry them。 I imagined
what the cab of that truck would smell like； and then quickly drove out the thought。
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She glanced around as she prepared to back out； and finally looked in my
direction。 She stared back at me for only half a second； and all I could read in her eyes
was surprise before she tore her eyes away and jerked the truck into reverse。 And then
squealed to a stop again； the back end of the truck missing a collision with Erin Teague's
compact by mere inches。
She stared into her rearview mirror； her mouth hanging open with chagrin。 When
the other car had pulled past her； she checked all her blind spots twice and then inched
out the parking space so cautiously that it made me grin。 It was like she thought she was
dangerous in her decrepit truck。
The thought of Bella Swan being dangerous to anyone； no matter what she was
driving； had me laughing while the girl drove past me； staring straight ahead。
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3。 Phenomenon
Truly； I was not thirsty； but I decided to hunt again that night。 A small ounce of
prevention； inadequate though I knew it to be。
Carlisle came with me； we hadn't been alone together since I'd returned from
Denali。 As we ran through the black forest； I heard him thinking about that hasty
goodbye last week。
In his memory； I saw the way my features had been twisted in fierce despair。 I
felt his surprise and sudden worry。
〃Edward？〃
〃I have to go； Carlisle。 I have to go now。〃
〃What's happened？〃
〃Nothing。 Yet。 But it will； if I stay。〃
He'd reached for my arm。 I felt how it had hurt him when I'd cringed away from
his hand。
〃I don't understand。〃
〃Have you ever？has there ever been a time？〃
I watched myself take a deep breath； saw the wild light in my eyes through the
filter of his deep concern。
〃Has any one person ever smelled better to you than the rest of them？ Much
better？〃
〃Oh。〃
When I'd known that he understood； my face had fallen with shame。 He'd
reached out to touch me； ignoring it when I'd recoiled again； and left his hand on my
shoulder。
〃Do what you must to resist； son。 I will miss you。 Here； take my car。 It's
faster。〃
He was wondering now if he'd done the right thing then； sending me away。
Wondering if he hadn't hurt me with his lack of trust。
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〃No；〃 I whispered as I ran。 〃That was what I needed。 I might so easily have
betrayed that trust； if you'd told me to stay。〃
〃I'm sorry you're suffering； Edward。 But you should do what you can to keep the
Swan child alive。 Even if it means that you must leave us again。〃
〃I know； I know。〃
〃Why did you come back？ You know how happy I am to have you here； but if
this is too difficult？〃
〃I didn't like feeling a coward；〃 I admitted。
We'd slowed—we were barely jogging through the darkness now。
〃Better that than to put her in danger。 She'll be gone in a year or two。〃
〃You're right； I know that。〃 Contrarily； though； his words only made me more
anxious to stay。 The girl would be gone in a year or two？
Carlisle stopped running and I stopped with him； he turned to examine my
expression。
But you're not going to run； are you？
I hung my head。
Is it pride； Edward？ There's no shame in—
〃No； it isn't pride that keeps me here。 Not now。〃
Nowhere to go？
I laughed shortly。 〃No。 That wouldn't stop me； if I could make myself leave。〃
〃We'll come with you； of course； if that's what you need。 You only have to ask。
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