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with an arrest。 Well； she _shall_ arrest me。 In the state my mind
is in now； the best thing that can happen to me is to be taken
away from Thorpe Ambrose； whether I like it or not。 I will write
and say that I am to be found here I will write and tell her； in
so many words； that the best service she can render me is to lock
me up。
〃Seven o'clock。The letter has gone to the post。 I had begun to
feel a little easier； when the children came in to thank me for
taking them to the show。 One of them is a girl； and the girl
upset me。 She is a forward child； and her hair is nearly the
color of mine。 She said； 'I shall be like you when I have grown
bigger； shan't I？' Her idiot of a mother said； 'Please to excuse
her； miss；' and took her out of the room； laughing。 Like me！ I
don't pretend to be fond of the child； but think of her being
like Me！
〃Saturday morning。I have done well for once in acting on
impulse； and writing as I did to Mrs。 Oldershaw。 The only new
circumstance that has happened is another circumstance in my
favor！
〃Major Milroy has answered Armadale's letter； entreating
permission to call at the cottage and justify himself。 His
daughter read it in silence； when Armadale handed it to her at
their meeting this morning； in the park。 But they talked about it
afterward； loud enough for me to hear them。 The major persists in
the course he has taken。 He says his opinion of Armadale's
conduct has been formed； not on common report； but on Armadale's
own letters； and he sees no reason to alter the conclusion at
which he arrived when the correspondence between them was closed。
〃This little matter had； I confess； slipped out of my memory。 It
might have ended awkwardly for _me。_ If Major Milroy had been
less obstinately wedded to his own opinion； Armadale might have
justified himself； the marriage engagement might have been
acknowledged； and all _my_ power of influencing the matter might
have been at an end。 As it is； they must continue to keep the
engagement strictly secret； and Miss Milroy； who has never
ventured herself near the great house since the thunder…storm
forced her into it for shelter； will be less likely than ever to
venture there now。 I can part them when I please； with an
anonymous line to the major； I can part them when I please！
〃After having discussed the letter； the talk between them turned
on what they were to do next。 Major Milroy's severity； as it soon
appeared； produced the usual results。 Armadale returned to the
subject of the elopement； and this time she listened to him。
There is everything to drive her to it。 Her outfit of clothes is
nearly ready； and the summer holidays； at the school which has
been chosen for her； end at the end of next week。 When I left
them； they had decided to meet again and settle something on
Monday。
〃The last words I heard him address to her； before I went away；
shook me a little。 He said： 'There is one difficulty； Neelie；
that needn't trouble us； at any rate。 I have got plenty of
money。' And then he kissed her。 The way to his life began to look
an easier way to me when he talked of his money； and kissed her。
〃Some hours have passed； and the more I think of it； the more I
fear the blank interval between this time and the time when Mrs。
Oldershaw calls in the law； and protects me against myself。 It
might have been better if I had stopped at home this morning。 But
how could I？ After the insult she offered me yesterday； I tingled
all over to go and look at her。
〃To…day； Sunday； Monday； Tuesday。 They can't arrest me for the
money before Wednesday。 And my miserable five pounds are
dwindling to four！ And he told her he had plenty of money！ And
she blushed and trembled when he kissed her。 It might have been
better for him； better for her； and better for me； if my debt had
fallen due yesterday； and if the bailiffs had their hands on me
at this moment。
〃Suppose I had the means of leaving Thorpe Ambrose by the next
train； and going somewhere abroad； and absorbing myself in some
new interest； among new people。 Could I do it； rather than look
again at that easy way to his life which would smooth the way to
everything else？
〃Perhaps I might。 But where is the money to come from？ Surely
some way of getting it struck me a day or two since？ Yes； that
mean idea of asking Armadale to help me！ Well； I _will_ be mean
for once。 I'll give him the chance of making a generous use of
that well…filled purse which it is such a comfort to him to
reflect on in his present circumstances。 It would soften my heart
toward any man if he lent me money in my present extremity； and；
if Armadale lends me money； it might soften my heart toward him。
When shall I go？ At once！ I won't give myself time to feel the
degradation of it； and to change my mind。
〃Three 'clock。I mark the hour。 He has sealed his own doom。 He
has insulted me。
〃Yes！ I have suffered it once from Miss Milroy。 And I have now
suffered it a second time from Arm adale himself。 An insulta
marked； merciless； deliberate insult in the open day！
〃I had got through the town； and had advanced a few hundred yards
along the road that leads to the great house； when I saw Armadale
at a little distance； coming toward me。 He was walking
fastevidently with some errand of his own to take him to the
town。 The instant he caught sight of me he stopped； colored up；
took off his hat； hesitated； and turned aside down a lane behind
him； which I happen to know would take him exactly in the
contrary direction to the direction in which he was walking when
he first saw me。 His conduct said in so many words； 'Miss Milroy
may hear of it； I daren't run the risk of being seen speaking to
you。' Men have used me heartlessly； men have done and said hard
things to me； but no man living ever yet treated me as if I was
plague…struck； and as if the very air about me was infected by my
presence！
〃I say no more。 When he walked away from me down that lane； he
walked to his death。 I have written to Midwinter to expect me in
London nest week； and to be ready for our marriage soon
afterward。
〃Four o'clock。Half an hour since； I put on my bonnet to go out
and post the letter to Midwinter myself。 And here I am； still in
my room； with my mind torn by doubts； and my letter on the table。
〃Armadale counts for nothing in the perplexities that are now
torturing me。 It is Midwinter who makes me hesitate。 Can I take
the first of those three steps that lead me to the end； without
the common caution of looking at consequences？ Can I marry
Midwinter； without knowing beforehand how to meet the obstacle of
my husband； when the time comes which transforms me from the
living Armadale's wife to the dead Armadale's widow？
〃Why can't I think of it； when I know I _must_ think of it？ Why
can't I look at it as steadily as I have looked at all the rest？
I feel his kisses on my lips； I feel his tears on my bosom； I
feel his arms round me again。 He is far away in London； and yet；
he is here and won't let me think of it！
〃Why can't I wait a little？ Why can't I let Time help me？ Time？
It's Saturday！ What need is there to think of it； unless I like？
There is no post to London t