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a better woman than me！' Yes！ the seeing his eyes moisten； the
hearing his voice tremble； while I was deceiving him； shook me in
that way。 I have seen handsomer men by hundreds； cleverer men by
dozens。 What can this man have roused in me？ Is it Love？ I
thought I _had_ loved； never to love again。 Does a woman not love
when the man's hardness to her drives her to drown herself？ A man
drove _me_ to that last despair in days gone by。 Did all my
misery at that time come from something which was not Love？ Have
I lived to be five…and…thirty； and am I only feeling now what
Love really is？now； when it is too late？ Ridiculous！ Besides；
what is the use of asking？ What do I know about it？ What does any
woman ever know？ The more we think of it； the more we deceive
ourselves。 I wish I had been born an animal。 My beauty might have
been of some use to me thenit might have got me a good master。
〃Here is a whole page of my diary filled； and nothing written yet
that is of the slightest use to me！ My miserable made…up story
must be told over again here； while the incidents are fresh in my
memoryor how am I to refer to it consistently on
after…occasions when I may be obliged to speak of it again？
〃There was nothing new in what I told him； it was the commonplace
rubbish of the circulating libraries。 A dead father； a lost
fortune； vagabond brothers； whom I dread ever seeing again； a
bedridden mother dependent on my exertionsNo！ I can't write it
down！ I hate myself； I despise myself； when I remember that _he_
believed it because I said itthat _he_ was distressed by it
because it was my story！ I will face the chances of contradicting
myselfI will risk discovery and ruinanything rather than
dwell on that contemptible deception of him a moment longer。
〃My lies came to an end at last。 And then he talked to me of
himself and of his prospects。 Oh； what a relief it was to turn to
that at the time！ What a relief it is to come to it now！
〃He has accepted the offer about which he wrote to me at Thorpe
Ambrose； and he is now engaged as occasional foreign
correspondent to the new newspaper。 His first destination is
Naples。 I wish it had been some other place； for I have certain
past associations with Naples which I am not at all anxious to
renew。 It has been arranged that he is to leave England not later
than the eleventh of next month。 By that time； therefore； I； who
am to go with him； must go with him as his wife。
〃There is not the slightest difficulty about the marriage。 All
this part of it is so easy that I begin to dread an accident。
〃The proposal to keep the thing strictly privatewhich it might
have embarrassed me to makecomes from Midwinter。 Marrying me in
his own namethe name that he has kept concealed from every
living creature but myself and Mr。 Brockit is his interest that
not a soul who knows him should be present at the ceremony； his
friend Armadale least of all。 He has been a week in London
already。 When another week has passed； he proposes to get the
License； and to be married in the church belonging to the parish
in which the hotel is situated。 These are the only necessary
formalities。 I had but to say 'Yes' （he told me）； and to feel no
further anxiety about the future。 I said 'Yes' with such a
devouring anxiety about the future that I was afraid he would see
it。 What minutes the next few minutes were； when he whispered
delicious words to me； while I hid my face on his breast！
〃I recovered myself first； and led him back to the subject of
Armadale； having my own reasons for wanting to know what they
said to each other after I had left them yesterday。
〃The manner in which Midwinter replied showed me that he was
speaking under the restraint of respecting a confidence placed in
him by his friend。 Long before he had done； I detected what the
confidence was。 Armadale had been consulting him （exactly as I
anticipated） on the subject of the elopement。 Although he appears
to have remonstrated against taking the girl secretly away from
her home； Midwinter seems to have felt some delicacy about
speaking strongly； remembering （widely different as the
circumstances are） that he was contemplating a private marriage
himself。 I gathered； at any rate； that he had produced very
little effect by what he had said； and that Armadale had already
carried out his absurd intention of consulting the head…clerk in
the office of his London lawyers。
〃Having got as far as this； Midwinter put the question which I
felt must come sooner or later。 He asked if I objected to our
engagement being mentioned； in the strictest secrecy； to his
friend。
〃 'I will answer；' he said； 'for Allan's respecting any
confidence that I place in him。 And I will undertake； when the
time comes； so to use my influence over him as to prevent his
being present at the marriage； and discovering （what he must
never know） that my name is the same as his own。 It would help
me；' he went on； 'to speak more strongly about the object that
has brought him to London； if I can requite the frankness with
which he has spoken of his private affairs to me by the same
frankness on my side。'
〃I had no choice but to give the necessary permission； and I gave
it。 It is of the utmost importance to me to know what course
Major Milroy takes with his daughter and Armadale after receiving
my anonymous letter； and； unless I invite Armadale's confidence
in some way； I am nearly certain to be kept in the dark。 Let him
once be trusted with the knowledge that I am to be Midwinter's
wife； and what he tells his friend about his love affair he will
tell me。
〃When it had been understood between us that Armadale was to be
taken into our confid ence； we began to talk about ourselves
again。 How the time flew！ What a sweet enchantment it was to
forget everything in his arms！ How he loves me！ah； poor fellow；
how he loves me！
〃I have promised to meet him to…morrow morning in the Regent's
Park。 The less he is seen here the better。 The people in this
house are strangers to me； certainly； but it may be wise to
consult appearances； as if I was still at Thorpe Ambrose； and not
to produce the impression； even on their minds； that Midwinter is
engaged to me。 If any after…inquiries are made； when I have run
my grand risk； the testimony of my London landlady might be
testimony worth having。
〃That wretched old Bashwood！ Writing of Thorpe Ambrose reminds me
of him。 What will he say when the town gossip tells him that
Armadale has taken me to London； in a carriage reserved for
ourselves？ It really is too absurd in a man of Bashwood's age and
appearance to presume to be in love！ 。 。 。 。
〃July 30th。…News at last！ Armadale has heard from Miss Milroy。
My anonymous letter has produced its effect。 The girl is removed
from Thorpe Ambrose already； and the whole project of the
elopement is blown to the winds at once and forever。 This was the
substance of what Midwinter had to tell me when I met him in the
Park。 I affected to be excessively astonished； and to feel the
necessary feminine longing to know all the particulars。 'Not that
I expect to have my curiosity satisfied；' I added； 'for Mr。
Armadale and I are little bette